"I say that this show resembles 'Hee Haw' at times...a cow just knocked something over" ~Conan

"Daddy's a jackass! Yes...Run along now, junior." ~Conan

"I'm gonna rock your body, you whore!!!" ~Andy's little sister Stacy to her friend Margaret.

"Man, if I ever go down, I hope I don't get the Potato Judge" ~Andy

"You catch you child swearing. Do you wash his mouth out with soap? Or do you sit him down and explain that he'd better not fucking do it again? I think you know what to do" ~Conan

"Early, crap. Late, good. That's our motto here at Late Night." ~Conan

"Well, I guess that we all learned a lesson today. That it's what's inside a person that counts. And that on the inside, midgets are thieving little bastards" ~Conan

"An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the fur of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who would rather die then dress casual." ~Conan

"No, no, we're the good crap now!" ~Conan

"I was just almost murdered..." ~Conan

"I'm the master of the ZING ZANG ZOOM!" ~Conan

"Now when you say the toads came over on boats, were they driving 'em?" ~Andy

"Ok, Max. You play one of those songs that I play while I go over here and adjust my underwear." ~Conan

"There's a place that's not on any map. They call it 'Woman Island' and I'm it's only chap!" ~Conan to Aaron Spelling

"Hey Popiel! How about a ratings Kabab? Right up the Keister!" ~Andy

"There are some unfortunate people who don't even have coats this winter, and if you're like me, you have a whole closet of coats just lying around that you don't use. So what do you do? Wear a different coat every day, wear 2 or 3 coats at a time, dress your dog up in a coat, ANYTHING! That way, when some stupid charity person comes around, you can say: 'No, I don't have any coats I'm not using, so why don't you go to hell??'" ~Max

"I have this innocent look, the show should look innocent. The show should have all the trappings of a Tonight Show from 1965 and we're even going to have an orchestra that plays big band, and Max has this very traditional bandleader look, and I'll wear a tie and a suit, we'll have a desk and we'll have a microphone and we'll talk to people. But then we'll have a masturbating bear" ~Conan

"The nightmare is that you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties, then people ask you: Why didn't you do that on television?" ~Conan

"For God's sake, let the bear masturbate!" ~Andy

"Every time I walk in the NBC lobby, I see that huge picture they took of me before the show first aired. I see a stupid 29 year old kid, and I think to myself: 'Wow, you have no idea what you're in for.'" ~Conan

"I would be suspicious of someone like me." ~Conan

"Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!" ~Conan

"If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk." ~Conan

"I'm so uncomfortable with my body. I'm always really aware when I'm naked. I'm not ever like in a bathroom alone in a cabin in the woods. I'm wearing this suit. In the shower I take off the jacket but leave the shirt." ~Conan

"Yo, White Bread. I'm doin' fine, and cherry wine. My Hos is all health-code compliant and my crotch be bigger than the Iron Giant. Got new software to last longer, and a new super ho named Darva Conger. Let me tell you, nothing better happen to hurt my man Triumph's wallet. He be my best customer. Women, dog bitches, reptiles, all kinds of freak-y stuff. That horn dog paid for my brand- new Cherry Red Buick Riviera!" ~PimpBot 5000

"Once an old person finds a grape, all their bitterness about World War II goes away." ~Conan

"Welcome to the show, we got a big one tonight and when I ran out my underwear rode up and I'm on TV now and I don't know what to do. We should have someone at the show whose job is to take care of that." ~Conan

"I'm here to tell you, Regis, I'm going to drop you like a bag of dirt!" ~Al Roker

"Celebrity Gossip: It hurts, it tears down, it destroys. I love it." ~Conan

"Jay says, 'Stay tuned for Conan' and then Conan comes crashing through you TV set like a freight train bringing the funny!" ~Conan

"You see, you're in for a lifetime of "And you went to Harvard?" Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and it's "And you went to Harvard?" Ask the guy at the hardware store how these jumper cables work and hear, "And you went to Harvard?" Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants and it's "and you went to Harvard." Get your head stuck in your niece's dollhouse because you wanted to see what it was like to be a giant and it's "Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard!?'" ~Conan

"When all else fails, there's always delusion." ~Conan

"I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage." ~Conan

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete stangers to kill again." ~ TV listing for the "Wizard of Oz" in the Marin, CA newspaper.

"Have you noticed dogs following you wherever you go?" *shakes head 'no'* "Always a snappy response from La Bamba." ~Conan

"I don't get paid enough to care" ~Conan

“Most people think we tape this show at 12:30. At 12:30 I'm at home watching porno.” ~Conan

"I gotta hire someone to have a real fight on my behalf so I can have manly stories. All mine involve trips to the Botanical Gardens gone horribly awry. A daisy hit me!" ~Conan

"That's what I wear. I enjoy them. I'm wearing one now." ~Conan on leopard print G string underwear.

"I'll tell you what's wrong with that MichaelJackson kid. When he spanks the monkey, it's a real monkey." ~Kevin Pollack on LN

"When someone in the band is 'Ha Ha Ha', you know they want a raise." ~Conan

"Just to be fair, the real Jay Leno, his cars are pulled by a string, too." ~Conan about Little Jay Leno

"I've been talking to wardrobe, they got your dress all ready. I personally can't wait for you to be my bitch." ~Christopher Meloni from Oz on LN

"I love a crowd that pretends something's funny." ~Conan

"The last telegram sent from the Titanic was recently auctioned off. It said,' Help-they won't stop playing Celine Dion's Titanic song!' And then everyone killed themselves." ~Conan

"We tried 'crappy' for awhile, didn't work out" ~Conan

"that just the joke I would expect from the New Hitler...you sicken me!" ~Conan

"All the ladies very happy, and some of the men" ~Conan

"There's a thing called a barf cannon? And why don't fraternities have them?" ~Conan

"Vomit facinates me...and it's all we'll ever talk about" ~Conan

"And the running gag about Conan O'Brien is funny because the passion seems so out of scale with its inspiration." ~Roger Ebert in his review of "Sugar and Spice"

"Geraldo couldn't do it, the assface. But what we have done here, in this afcob of afcobs, this miracle of miracles, is build a cannon big enough to shoot even the huskiest midget into the abyss. It kind of reminds me of a summer breeze; like hotdogs, turtles, and MURDER." ~Mel, in afcob when asked to describe afcob in 3 sentences using the word 'assface.'

"Don't applaud that! Applaud my idiocy."~Conan

"I tried to make up my own jargon and I screwed up! I'm so uncool..."~Conan to Mira Sorvino, trying to understand movie-producer terms

"My job is to be booed by the people of America; it's in my contract." ~Conan

"My ass is going to be fried...with 7 herbs and spices" ~Conan

"It's like an amusement park ride. That's the best way I can describe it. You have to be a certain height and then you just go. It's just fun; it happens and it's over just like that." ~Conan On hosting 'Saturday Night Live'

What turns you off? "Any tomato-based vodka drink... like, you know, when they make...V8. I don't like that. I don't like tomato and spices...Ugh. No. I don't like that." ~Conan

And finally, if there is a heaven, what would you want God to say to you when you get there? "The vegetable tonight .... is corn. ~Conan

From Satelite TV:

Conan: All it says is Potato Judge Channel. I've got no idea, let's check it out.

---

Lawyer: Your honor, please! My client is a woman who came down to the local police station to pay her parking ticket, and she's to be sentenced to death? There must be some mistake...

Potato Judge: KILL HER, SHE'S GUILTY!!!

Woman: But... that's a potato! IT'S A POTATO!!

---

Lawyer: Your honor, please! My client was arrested for the murder of JR Ewing, a fictional character, and she's to be sentenced to life in prison?

PJ: GUILTY!

---

Lawyer: Your honor, please! My client is a young boy who came into the police station to report his bike stolen, and he's to be sentenced to Life at hard labor?

Potato Judge: ...GUILTY!!!

Little Boy: I didn't do anything! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!

---

Conan: I was on the edge of my seat with that little boy!

Andy: Man, if I ever go down, I hope I don't get the Potato Judge.